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Ask Buster! No Help Just Cheap Laughs
Got a problem and want some free advice of dubious quality? Then why not ask Buster by emailing email@example.com.
Donkeys in Rye, the second storty on last night's local news, Buster ahead of the trend once again!"
"Dear Yourcounty Readers,
Just to put an end to the Doneys in Rye speculation, I haven't seen any donkeys or small horses in Rye since the mini stampede in 1996, this is all just the rehashing of an old story, nothing relevant at all. Tankworth"
I was told that Canterbury has a significantly lower rainfall than either Dover or Faversham, do you know anything about this? I have a theory that this might be why there are more toads in the city. If there is less rainfall presumably they have to move away from their birth pond to look for new water. Does this force the toads to migrate widely and lead to the fast growth of new colonies? If I'm right will you buy be a pint?" June.
June, you need to talk to an expert, but your reasoning suggests that you would have greater toad populations in arid places with the odd pond, which is not the case as far as I know. As for Canterbury being a desert in an oasis, it is a very dry city, anecdotally I think the country is much lusher to the North (Thanet) and the West (Faversham). Anyone know if there is local drought data available to the public?
"Dear Yourcounty Boyz,
I know you are fans of the TPB Canadian TV show, I think you'll find that one of the main characters was in the UK during August, staying in Rochester (presumably during the Olympics) did anyone else see him? Not Jim"
Another Randy impersonator or the real thing?
Get yer finger out, your public demands a Xmas quiz. Rose."
Give me a break, it's still summer.
A wallaby on the island? How did it get there, catch the train? It's an island that's the point!" Blue Town Rocker
BT Rocker, Australia is an island, they have wallabies? quod erat demonstrandum.
I'm not a celebrity spotter but me and my mate Smithy are going to have to come to your aid. Last night in Sevenoaks Count Arthur Strong (or someone with a startling resemblance) was eating in an Indian restaurant. I tried to get a picture taken with him but he was very abrasive. Colin and Smithy"
Are you reading this Beep Beep?
I'm a long standing resident of Rye and I'm getting sick to the back teeth of people asking to see the donkeys, isn't this old hat? (name withheld)."
If you're long standing perhaps a chair would be of some assistance?
I was one of the happy throng that turned out to see you in Sandgate - do you get paid for this or is it some kind of community service? I recognise the old DJ but are 'Randy and Jim' the real deal or lookalikies? Much love and amusement. PH"
PH, everyone in the posse apart from me and Buxom Sally were regulars from the pub.
"To Buster At Yourcounty,
I'd like to complain about the lack of 'provocative' comment during your recent Olympic podcast. Have you been got at? Are you part of the government's attempt to sanitise the UK for the benefit of NOC members? Kite Mark"
Mark, there's no pulling the wool over your eyes, we only had 25 minutes to rewrite the script.
Can I ask you what the slogan on your T shirt at Leeds Castle was all about? '10:4 Randy' another childish joke? John."
John, if you're under 16 ask your mum, if your nearer my own age (31) just head for Sunnyvale.
A polite request, will you be running a Yourcounty Christmas Quiz in 2012, and if yes will you undertake a public forfeit if enough of us complete it? Sister Susan"
Sister Susan If you ask me nicely........
On a serious note, have you had a crack at the cream cracker eating record at your eating events? Pembury Poll (long live the A21 widening)"
Pembury Poll, Three crackers in two minutes 28 seconds is my PB, this is a nice one to try at a party.
I have finally seen the donkeys out and about in Rye, I thought it was a wind up, cheers. Tall Boy"
Does anyone know the other place you can see seaside donkeys in (or near) Kent?
Celebrities in Kent - You said that Count Arthur Strong lives in Sevenoaks, don't you know that he is a CHARACTER portrayed by comic/writer Steve Delany and not a real person? I must admit I have seen Old Greg in Margate but I think this is a very effective costume rather than the actor himself (he was drinking Baileys). Beep Beep"
If you go into the shoulder of mutton most lunchtimes you can see for yourself!
As unlikely as it seems I saw a video on Youtube of a Wallaby running (hopping) wild in England, I take back all the things I said about you on the webcast. Susan."
Susan, that's the least of our worries, wait till the Komodo Dragons start stomping down the A21!
my wife is insisting that I look for a job, doesn't she realise there's a recession on. D"
D, tell the man what he can do with his job!
Joking aside, congratulations on the forecasting of the current drought, but do you have any serious ideas why there are so many toads in East Kent. Hazel?
Hazel, wiser people that me predicted the Kent drought, I simply reported their predictions. I think the number of toads is linked to food and habitat, as far as domestic gardens are concerned habit is stable so I can only imagine that.
Childish innuendo, infantile jokes and double entendres...I just love your radio show. Paul from Dunkirk."
Let the good times roll!
Did you run the mobile disco in Bearsted last weekend? You look like Renko from hill street blues.... Steve"
Steve, were you the mod in the wig?
There is a toad population explosion in Canterbury, doesn't this contradict your drought theory. Blean Boy?"
Blean Boy, surprisingly Toads can thrive in certain dry conditions.
Everyone I know is having bad hair days at the moment, on your broadcast you mention that this is caused by the drought. Is this a joke? Where's the science. Strood Goth
Goth, Check out the New Scientists website for more information.
You are the only person who mentions the night time chopper flights over Maidstone, why? Half the people in town know about them and there is never any public comment, why? Simon?"
Simon, I can't believe it's still going on, really!
Are those leather shorts legal and if so where can I get a pair? J H from St Mildreds"
Is this a compliment JH? If you're talking about those worn during Tuesday night's broadcast? I'm sorry to say it's simply two cans of vinyl backing spray.
"Buster, the ceaseless infantile puns that proliferates your 'strange but true' articles make me physically sick. GH"
Why blame me, my money's on the cold pizza you ate for breakfast
Sperm whale at Pegwell Bay was that you....ha"
Ha, I thought the very same thing
Are you still churning out this rubbish, get a proper job! Rosie from Whitfield."
I now know who you remind me of, a cross between Vince Noir and Pigsy from Monkey Magic (tee hee). Dad"
That says a lot about you and mum!
Since when did you become an authority on curry, you usually complain that Yorkshire Pudding is too exotic for you? BA Bacchus"
Hi BA, do you know the piano's on my foot........
Having resisted the need to 'rise to the bait' for years, I can't help myself, this rubbish I've just endured about big breasted Succubi is a bridge too far. You are only hurting your own reputation. Mr D, Tunbridge Wells"
Mr D, can I presume someone forced you to listen to the end of my naughty show or did the knob on your radio break off again?
Happy New Year mate, does anyone pay you to dress like that or are you just colour blind. Hastings Colin"
Colin, what you never had a sexy dream?
May I be serious for a moment, did you find out about these silent helicopters over Maidstone or not? Get that man on your radio show to talk about it. Name withheld"
I've got a call in with Skully?
I finally worked out what's so compelling about your stories, half is fact and half COMPLETE fiction. And it's hard to know which is which. For example the story about birds taking over Deal Pier was true, the bald spot and black beret, your freaky radio show and naturist fun run but as for the rest, don't make me laugh, TIME WASTER. Jill,Orpington
PS I've written to the manager of the radio station to get you banned"
Jill, get real, all this invective because I said you're too old for hipsters?
"Dear Buster, I notice from your webcam that you have taken to wearing some kind of black beret, we all know you have a bald spot. GET OVER IT. Peter B, Broadstairs"
Oh Peter, your syrup is slipping.
"Dear Buster, although your New Year's DJ session was an artistic success, I can't help thinking that the age of the beatnik is over. Loose the beret, you look like an onion seller! Liana Rochester"
I'm the face, I won't follow the crowd.
"Dear Buster, where does your information regarding the WWII bomber on the moon come from? Fordwich Space Monkey"
Fordwich, it took you two years to ask the question.....since which time the bomber has flown to Saturn!
"Dear Buster, why can't I just order a straight coffee from the coffee shop? Simon"
"Dear Buster, my brother said you dressed as a crab during the Herne Bay Mardi Gras parade is this true? Brian from Bromley?"
No Brian, it was a skate costume
"Dear Buster, I recently watched the entire collection of It Ain't Half Hot Mum on DVD, I found only one reference to Lime Cordial, when Gloria fell in love with a sailor, is this the connection? Buddy"
"Dear Buster, I'm considering cosmetic surgery to hold back the ravages of time, what do you think? Bill from Dumpton"
Bill - In my day a push-up bra did the trick.
"Dear Buster, I keep seeing Donkeys out and about in Rye, do you or any of your readers know why?"
Just follow the smart money
"Dear Buster, Please can you tell me what the connection is between Lime Cordial and Van Demons Island? Buddy"
Sorry Bud but you're not the only one who watches re-runs of 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum'
"Dear Buster, I ate six packets of Rich Tea biscuits in a matter of minutes, what you have to do is soak them in a large bowl of tea and eat them as you would a chicken broth. But I would have to say that anyone who can eat three packets dry is a real biscuit monster. Soup Dragon"
Soup Dragon, this sounds like a tall story, you'd need a vat of tea to break down six packets, any independent verification?
"Dear Buster, UFOs over Maidstone have you done anything yet? T Girl"
Yes I have coated the inside of my bedroom with tin foil!
"Dear Buster, I know you see yourself as a fashion Guru but may I suggest that if you are going for the Judith Chalmers look you avoid wearing a white rollneck jumper! Uncertain Camper"
Uncertain Camper, are you going 18-30 again this year?
"Dear Buster, can i second Haarland's comments. Who cares about seagulls and clocks, what we need is more information about the giant bats that have appeared over the North Downs, some of them are big enough to sit on, if they land in your hair you will certainly go bald!!!!!!!!! Anonymous"
Dear Anonymous, get some holy water?
"Dear Buster, my uncle ate three large packs of rich tea biscuits (Asda own brand) when night fishing, is this a record? Pete, Shorne"
Pete, not unless he managed the feat in under 10 minutes
"Dear Buster, your obsession with seagulls, badgers and clocks is becoming boring. Why not use your platform to air issues that actually impact on people? Like the increasing number of UFOs and military aircraft seen over Kent in recent weeks? Haarland, Maidstone"
Haarland before anyone else chips in can I say - take me to your dealer.....
"Dear Buster, I'd like to point out that the 'clock' you are rocking around on the Youtube clip is technically called a LCD unit, a clock should have two separate hands, the word clock has it's origins in the mechanism. Such inaccuracies will only disappoint and anger true fans of 'Rocking Around The Clock'. T K, New Forest"
"Dear Buster, if you are still carrying your lunch around in that Sammy the Turtle Samsonite case how do you expect anyone to believe it was stolen by a bird? Sue T C, Chatham"
Sue, I still have the case, they (three massive birds actually) stole the lunch that I spread out on a bench near the bandstand. I realise I was my own worse enemy, because when the leader of the gang took a large slice of Gala Pie from under my nose I jumped up in fright knocking the thermos of hot coffee over my linen pants, whilst jumping around in agony the birds took pretty much everything else including the Ipod and hat.
"Dear Buster, the man with no brain, I thought it was you! Bernie"
"Dear Buster, I recently followed the advice of Mr Bill Hailey and tried to 'rock around the clock'. Unfortunately I broke the clock and hurt my back when I fell off the mantelpiece, what am I doing wrong? B Bopper Tonbridge"
It always happens the first time, just keep on plugging away.
"Dear Buster, I can live with your shameless self-promotion, we do live in the age of the celebrity after all. But please don't try to dress it up as some form of artistic impression. P K, Brighton"
Care for a copy of my autobiography Self Expression - The Story Of An Artist?
"Dear Buster, you're always one for the wildlife stories, what did you make of those Seagulls taking over a tea bar in a lay-by south of Ashford? Marsh Stormtrooper"
When tea passed the £1 a cup threshold it was only a matter of time
"Dear Buster, I was disappointed to hear that you didn't win the world hot dog eating contest, so much for your idle boasts on the radio. Bearsted Vic"
Vic, if you listened to me carefully you would have realised what I actually said was "after being refused entry I was going to win my own version of the competition". And if you ask the Hot Dog vendor in Sittingbourne High Street you'll find I did set my own record of 12 last Saturday.
"Dear Buster, I keep dreaming about a three legged Dalmatian running on an empty beach, it's sending my crazy, what can it mean. T Trunk"
It means you shouldn't eat spicy Spanish sausage last thing at night......
"Buster, so you and your science buddies think that wave speed is increasing, if you actually look into this subject you'll find that the moon's orbit decides the speed of waves (tides on earth), so unless the moon is getting closer you are wrong. P Magnus Chubb"
If the moon is getting closer I'm taking all my holidays and maxing the credit cards out.
"Dear Buster, what is this obsession with hormone bombs, I personally would welcome any invention that puts a stop to violence. Krull"
Krull, whilst I agree with your sentiments, I think you'll find the purpose of the Hormone Bomb was to disarm one side whilst the others did the killing. It wasn't created for a big hippie love in.
"Buster, All these rumours of a big money takeover at The Gills are making my head spin. Can we look forward to signing top named players and getting treated to world class football in the Medway Towns. Rainham Ender"
The only chance you've got of seeing Samba Soccer is if I dust my boots off and make a Priestfield comeback.
Buster, rather than using your community radio show as a platform for short sighted vegetarian views why not think about the farmers trying to earn a living
Didn't you see Ring Of Bright Water, otter farms are bad!!!!
"Dear Buster, what outfit will cut a dash when I go down to the Polling Station in Borstal? Stu"
Stu, don't you read Harpers darling, HOSE HOSE HOSE
"Buster & Friends, you wanted know when it's likely to be possible to walk across the Swale Estuary. Try the next ice age you fools." BT, Warden's Point
Living prone on a soggy sofa behind the newsagents hasn't improved your humour any.
"Dear Buster, that's a good point Toots, I play at Poker Stars and I'm only a minor celebrity (unlike you wonderful Buster). Am I breaking any rules?" Chukka Boots, Littlestone
Nah, any problems just tell them you're with me.
"Dear Buster, I'm playing online at Virgin Poker but am worried that I'll get banned if they find out I popped my cherry in 1958. What should I do. Toots Broadstairs"Pure Class
"Dear Buster, I suppose your days of sheep wrestling are over with these new animal welfare laws. Karen, Sheppey"
No Karen, they won't even let me give them a shampoo and set without using protective clothing.
"Dear Buster, I've got a cigarette burn on some vinyl, it's so unsightly, can you recommend something?"
Yes, don't smoke in bed.
"Dear Buster, I briefly listened to your radio appearance last week in error whilst tuning in the car radio. I'm in no doubt that there is an audience for this kind of filth but do you think whooping like a peacock is winning you any new listeners? Name withheld"
Be Bumble Brr Brr Artre
"Dear Buster, in your recent radio appearance you made frequent references to 'Planet Thanet'. As a long standing resident of Margate and an ex-Chairwomen of the Keep Thanet Sexy campaign I'd like to know exactly what you mean? B Eyes"
Mine's a double
"Buster, in your Strange but True you detail a hole in the earth's crust and a recently discovered sea inside the earth, are you trying to suggest a 'plug hole' theory?"
Baby I only work here.
"Dear Buster, are the latest revelations about sun beds going to affect your 52 weeks a year orange glow?"
No but I might get the microwave door fixed.
"Dear Buster, I saw you outside the Fisherman's Arms on Friday evening and claim my £5 prize. BTW what exactly was that getup supposed to be, even that Jimmy Crankie 'look-a-like' you were with looked embarrassed. Clint"
Clint, sad to see that Leopard Print Lycra is still much misunderstood in Medway!
"Buster, as a trend setter for many of Kent's young people do you really think you should be extolling the virtues of an alcoholic ex-cop and his shirtless, cheeseburger eating 'friend'? Barbara"
"Buster, do you model yourself on Swann from Proust's 'A la recherche du temps perdu'? Odette, Chilham"
I see Jim and Randy as my role models if that helps.
I know that you only publish made up emails but I still wanted to tell you anyway that the Christmas Quiz was too hard. My elderly sister and I have always enjoyed your seasonal competitions but if we needed the £50 prize money that badly it would have been quicker to work at the pub for a couple of shifts rather than try to answer all those obscure questions. Jenny & Jane, Beckenham"
So they still have Go Go Dancing at The Ship then!
"BUSTER, WHAT THE HELL HAS APPLE CRUMBLE GOT TO DO WITH CRACKERJACK? PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE SOME FRIENDS IF YOU WERE YOURSELF RATHER THAN PRETEND TO BE MR ENIGMATIC. Lynn from T"
An angry mind finds fault
"Dear Buster, my Mum claims to have seen you on Crackerjack, could this be true? KL from Monkton"
Not me, I'm strictly a Baileys man, creamy, I made a crumble, teacher said it was the best one!
"Buster, I'm going to get all my friends to enter the quiz to ensure you're going to have to do at least fifty press ups. Having seen your pathetic body at the County Show I know you'll struggle to do more than two... I can't wait to see you suffer." Ashford White Van Man
You don't take rejection well do you Samwise?
Dear Buster, I'm sick of the complete self-indulgence of Christmas and am looking to do something for the 'greater good', is there a demand for community based volunteers on Christmas Day." Christine H
Christine I'm glad you asked, I run a project at my house on the 25th, they'll be plenty of cooking and cleaning for a good cause. (bring a bottle).
"Dear Buster, sorry to hear about your friend and his malt loaf. This brings to mind the cold spell in January 1963, we had several weeks of sub zero temperatures and conditions were terrible. The cafe on Deal Pier had to be shut after it was taken over by hungry seagulls. The ring leader (Yellow Bill) became a bit of a local celebrity for a while. Funny thing was the gulls ate almost everything they could get at except Old Jamaica!" C Shaw
It's before my time although I've seen the newspaper reports. I'd love to know how they got the carrots into the deep fat fryer.
"Dear Buster, I'm on a budget and would like to give the family an extra special Christmas treat, what do you suggest?" F Cave, Erith
F Cave, Try sprinkling sugar on their Cornflakes and tell them you splashed out on Frosties.
"Dear Buster, you're trying too hard to get noticed!" Julian and Sandy
Bona Baby, Bona
"Dear Buster, did I see you driving a 'carrot car' late on Friday night in Cranbrook?" Ellen P K
Ellen P K, no it was a sweet potato coupe' .
"Buster, a point of order, the 23 bus didn't travel as far as Rochester and it wasn't a double decker. Ken VRT"
"Dear Buster, I read your Strange but True stories every week but can't help feeling that everyday events in my own life are more noteworthy. For example when I was 14 (30 years ago) my mum tried to slap me on the top deck of the 23 bus travelling from Gillingham to Rochester, I ducked and mum knocked an ice cream out of a strangers hand and onto the floor. The mess looked like Wurzle Gummage (a leading pop combo of the day) now how can you explain that!"
"Dear Yourcounty, whilst I accept your light hearted look at the Traditional English breakfast was written in jest allow me to make three observations. Bubble and Squeak is a relatively modern addition to the breakfast menu. The cabbage and potato cake was a Roman invention for helping to give shape and lift to busts of Roman noblewomen. It was only around 1790 that people started to realise that it could be cooked and eaten after use. Secondly there is an absence of seafood from your list; surely Dolphin and Whalemeat would have been breakfast staples three to four hundred years ago? Finally as a Kent website you should know that Pigs Trotter Fritters were very popular some time ago (it is I suspect the root of the name of Frittenden). HK1"
Thanks for the info but we probably didn't eat much seafood three hundred years ago as we were still attached to mainland Europe and the channel hadn't yet been created!
"Dear Buster, as a member of the Traditional English Breakfast Union, I'd like to get the views of an epicure like yourself on what constitutes this meal. Over the years the original successful formula has been diluted and we have now reached the point where any cooked meal including a fried egg is being referred to a 'traditional' or 'full' English breakfast. Is there some way of establishing a minimum standard that retailers and hoteliers should have to follow?" Barming Bacon Troll
In my opinion a traditional English breakfast must include:
No hash browns, cereal or fruit, and definitely no baked beans. Until the second world war most British people thought that baked beans had magical properties (Jack and the Beanstalk) or aphrodisiac qualities; hence the expressions 'full of beans' and 'I feel horny'.
"Dear Buster, I read on your unofficial fan club website that you left school at 14 and earned a living wrestling sheep in a Spanish Circus. I believe this activity to have been both illegal and immoral; how can you justify these statements?"
Sorry but you've been ill informed my first job was in Cyprus, arm wrestling goats.
"Dear Buster, I've been invited to a 'Vicars and Tarts' party. Although I wear rather immodest short skirts and see through blouses I do feel a little offended. What should I do?" Rev O P
Dear Rev O P, call the office and we'll have dinner to discuss the situation.
"Dear Buster, my son in law has bitten me with the love bug, I have been happily married for 27 years but I'm infatuated. What advice can you give me to save my marriage?"
Take a picture of your son in law's face, blow is up until it's life size, cut out eye, nose and mouth holes and stick it on your husband when he's asleep.
"Dear Buster, I'm a 32 year old male, married with kids but I get a lot of stick at work about the clothes I wear. My wardrobe is pretty normal although I do have a natty line in fruit laden hats. What should I do to be accepted by my work colleagues." C Miranda
For most of us, dressing is a very personal and private activity – and one in which we are used to making our own decisions. However If you feel you need some advice on how to integrate into an office environment may I suggest; a fake cowhide bib and brace, bright red plastic tricorner hat with a pair of Prada high heeled patent leather pumps. That's what most people seem to wear in my office.
"Dear Buster, my husband likes red wine, I like white and it's a constant irritation when we go out that we have to order a bottle of each even though neither of us drinks more than a couple of glasses. It's not only a waste but also causes bad feeling. What can you suggest?" Rose'
Rose', two solutions: either take my mother in law out with you (she'll drink anything you leave) or get a divorce.
"Dear Buster, when my son has to go to the loo at night he frequently misses the toilet and wets the sheepskin bathroom carpet. I always thought he would grow out of this but he's 19 now and it's getting worse! What can we do?" HHJ
HHJ, Get a comedy slot on the BBC, they love this kind of thing, he'll make loads of money and all your friends will come flooding back saying they thought it was funny all the time."
"Dear Buster, I have an unusual problem you might be able to help me with. My boyfriend has a wacky sense of humour that people don't understand, in fact its starting to be a real problem, we've no more friends, he's lost his job and my family say they want me to finish with him........Whenever he finds a word or phrase interesting he keeps using it, even when it's not funny. He discovered the word croupe recently, this led to him telling total strangers "I'm a croupie, are you interested?" This seems bad but it's a lot better than his last obsession which was the Groucho Marx "One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas" quotation. He used this when he answered his bosses phone (until he got sacked). He's been banned from the local since he uses the word senape for beer. Can you help."
Change the colour of the bathroom carpet
"Dear Buster, can you help us spice up our flagging love life? We're in our early 50's and need some inspiration." (Name withheld)
It's a common problem, I find that to play the TV game is the best way to warm things up. Think of your favorite TV shows; adapt them for an adult audience and act out scenes from them for each other. Here's a couple of ideas to get you started. Upstairs Coal Scuttles - Bananas Out Of Pajamas - Hawaii 6 O - Kinky Kong - Hectors Naughty House.
"Dear Buster, I've been talking to a conspiracy theorist who puts forward the convincing proposition that the Americans didn't land on the moon. What do you think? S Sabrok"
S Sabrok, If the American's didn't go to the moon how did the WWII bomber get up there?
"Dear Buster, I'm about to buy a new car, I have £20k to spend, what model is likely to attract those lovely ladies when I'm out an about?" Honker
Honker, If I were you I'd buy any car for £10k and keep the other other £10k in sacks on the back seat.
"Dear Buster, I'm still in love with you, will you forgive me?"
Is that you Cath?
"Buster, I regularly read you comments and advice and just want to say GET A REAL JOB YOU LOSER!"
"Dear Buster, hearing that centenarians are common in Cuba made me wonder if there is a connection between politics and longevity? What do you think?" Raul
Raul, I have back copies of Socialist Worker you can buy for £20 each
"Dear Buster, I'm worried about the big cat sightings around Bluewater, what can I do if a pride of lions approach me in the car park?" T Gazelle
"T G, Generally you'll be safe if you keep an adult unicorn in the passenger seat."
"Dear Buster, My husband and I are celebrating our Golden Wedding Anniversary next month, any ideas on how I could give him a surprise to remember?" H Jacques
"H J. Tell him you're pregnant."
"Dear Buster, is it possible to eat Daddy Long Legs" Tex
If you're referring to the Daddy Long Legs - Pholcus phalangioides (a spider from the US) I'm afraid I wouldn't recommend it as they do have fangs and venom sacks. The last person I heard of eating one of these ending up in real trouble eventually sending down a cow after it.
"Dear Buster, I recently read about the dangers of competitive eating and would like to say your whole attitude to food and alcohol abuse is both childish and irresponsible." Anon
I'll take you seriously if you can put three 12 inch deep pan pizzas one on top of the other and eat them (without the aid of a knife or fork) in under 3 minutes.
"Dear Buster, I'm a very keen gardener but am fed up with neighbours cats 'soiling' my back garden. I've tried chemical remedies without success. What do you suggest." Challock Charles
"Dear Buster, my three year old Labrador barks incessantly as soon as I answer the phone, it's a real nuisance, what can I do." E Johns
E, Johns, give him a giant arrowroot biscuit as soon as the phone rings; if this fails to work; get a CD with the theme to TVs Ironside on it. If you play this at a loud volume when you are on the phone it will successfully drown out his barking.
"Dear Buster, we usually have a takeaway on Friday evenings while we watch the Telly. My Mum likes Indian food but my husband prefers Chinese, I'm sick of having to order two lots of food, what do you suggest? B Brush
B Brush, buy as much cheap liver as you need to feed the whole family, liquidize it, add some Tabasco and serve as a starter in fancy cocktail glasses, they won't want to eat anything else.
"Dear Buster, faced by rising house prices I'm thinking of building my own home, any suggestions to get me started?" Caterpillar
Caterpillar, get a lot of bricks and put them together.
"Dear Buster, we tried the newspaper clothing idea and it was reasonably successful, but the laminated edges chafe, this is obviously something you overlooked!" Richard and Liz
Richard and Liz, I assumed everyone would realise that you can't wear laminates without some nettle underclothes first!
"Dear Buster, my Mum insists on watching Coronation Street when there is football on another channel, even important international games! This is a constant source of arguments. How can we restore harmony to our once peaceful home?" Groveller
Groveller, invite Julio Iglesias around for dinner when the football's on, that's guaranteed to keep her in the dining room.
"Dear Buster, we're trying to save money for our wedding later in the year can you suggest any SENSIBLE ideas to help us on our way" Richard and Liz
Richard and Liz, you can save a fortune by making your clothes from old newspapers which you can recover from the local paper recycling unit. A large packet of wallpaper paste will provide enough adhesive for at least 1,000 newspaper shirts. If you're worried about waterproofing consider investing in a laminator! Let me know how you get on.
"Dear Buster, as a water saving measure I'm considering sharing a bath with the in laws when the missus is out at work, but it might be a bit of a squeeze as we're all a fair size, what do you suggest?" Water Rat
Water Rat, well if you'd read your Kant you'd know that liberal use of lard would be a great help, alternatively you can save water by bathing in very strong squash (say a 50-50 mix) that would save half the water you would normally use.
"Dear Buster, my young son is doing a school project about Pandas, other than bamboo we can't find details of anything else they might eat, can you help the lad pick up a few extra marks by telling us what this furry menace might actually consume in the wild?" Dolly
Dolly, lucky for you Mad Pete was talking about this subject last night in the pub, he's an authority on wildlife and told me that in the wild, Pandas eat chocolate bees and fig rolls.
"Dear Buster, I'm looking to impress my wife with a romantic evening on her birthday (the 13th). Can you suggest something out of the ordinary that's likely to be well received." Eric BBS
Eric, most women I know enjoy an evening at a down market lap dancing joint or better still a dodgy pub with strippers. Get a woman gyrating on a pile of beer crates in the snug and it's likely to impress. If you're not pub people try the nude ping pong in the Elham Valley.
"Dear Buster, I've got a headache, can you tell me why?" - Anon
Anon, if you're Marie K from Ely it might be because you've been wearing a full facial crash helmet whilst going down the Helter Skelter at Goose Fair
Got a problem and want some free advice of dubious quality? Then why not ask Buster Hesketh-Mornington by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.